Narcissist Recovery Blog

Why Writing is Therapeutic when Recovering from a Narcissist

Today we now have proof that writing is therapeutic. James Pennebaker, PhD., a psychologist and researcher, has conducted studies that show improvement in immune system functioning and emotional well-being when research participants write about difficult or traumatic events in their lives. When you share your story, you no longer feel alone or isolated. You feel connected and understood.

As humans, we absolutely must process our feelings before we can recover or heal from any painful experience. Until we do this, we remain stuck. This is not only important for our emotional health, but our physical health as well.

Working through Anger When Recovering from a Narcissist

A recent question came up on our forum this morning, which prompted me to write about anger. When recovering from a toxic relationship, feelings of anger are incredibly intense. The question as to whether you should write him a letter or not to express your anger often comes up.

My answer to this is that you can and should write a letter expressing your anger, but do NOT send it to him. Write it for yourself, but do not share it with him. He will only use it to make you look spiteful and it will give him satisfaction he does not deserve.

Why Narcissists Seek Out Relationships

I am often asked why someone so self-absorbed and consumed with themselves would have any interest in pursuing a relationship with another person.

What you have to understand is that Narcissists are looking for meaning to fill up their emptiness. A Narcissist disconnects from him/herself as a child. As a result, they have no inner sense of self and need outside validation from others to remind themselves that they exist. They need someone to cater to their needs and fill the enormous void they feel inside.

Why the Narcissist is still a Child

One of the most well-known theories in psychology is Sigmund Freud’s theory that as children, we pass through different psychosexual stages. According to Freud, if a child is over-indulged or under-indulged in any of these stages, it results in what he calls fixation. Fixation describes an adult who is stuck or attached to an earlier childhood mode of satisfaction.

Perspective is Everything When Recovering from a Narcissist!

Having any type of contact with our ex while trying to break free will only keep us stuck under their spell. Creating distance is the only way to gain proper perspective and see things as they truly are.

We must break contact in order to really assess the situation. It is this distance that allows us to look at things from the perspective of:

A “player” considering their next move versus a “pawn” waiting to be played.

"You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it.”
~ Albert Einstein

Retrain your Brain

As a result of the toxic relationship we were in, we were influenced to think illogically and doubt ourselves. We no longer trust our judgment and are experiencing severe anxiety and Cognitive Dissonance. We need to deprogram from our ex and....

Retrain Our Brain

The most important thing to recognize when retraining your brain is that you are currently in a state of major anxiety. It is this anxiety that causes you to remain stuck and unable to focus on anything productive. You must acknowledge that you no longer want to remain in this negative pattern of thinking and will consciously make an effort to break free from it.

Don't be Afraid to Cry

I noticed some talk on the forum today about crying. Please know there should be absolutely no shame in crying. In fact, it is our body's natural response to pain. It is the body's natural medicine!

It is critical to process our feelings. We should not repress our emotions and must confront our experience. If we do not, we will remain stuck in a state of pain.

"There is no coming to consciousness without pain."
~Carl Jung

I spent many years in this state, which I refer to as my “dark period.” Eckhart Tolle refers to this state of being as the “pain body.” In his groundbreaking book, The Power of Now, he explains how the pain body is actually afraid of the light of consciousness. Its survival is dependent on your unconscious fear of facing the pain that lives in you.

Have a Love Affair with Yourself this Valentine’s Day!

If you are here, you are most likely an Empath,which describes a person who is highly tuned into other’s emotions and extremely sensitive. It means you have an intense feeling of empathy and compassion for others.

Empaths are incredible listeners, naturally giving and always there for people they care about. Narcissists notice this immediately. They purposefully seek a partner who is compassionate and in tune with their never-ending needs. An Empath absorbs the emotions of others and will easily fall prey to a Narcissist, who uses others as an emotional sponge.

Wake Up and Face Reality.....you owe it to yourself!

Loving someone who cannot return our love is not easy to accept. When in a relationship with a narcissist, we often lie to ourselves in order to keep going. We lie to ourselves that things aren’t as bad as they really are. We do not want to accept that the person we fell in love with is not who we thought they were. No one wants to admit this. Why would we want to admit this without a fight? We have invested so much in this relationship. We do not want to believe that our soul mate is not real. We would rather exhaust every possibile excuse or explanation we can before we admit this inconvenient truth to ourselves.

Why it's so hard for us to stay away

Many of us don’t understand why we can’t stay away even after we learn how toxic they are to us. We must remember they have brainwashed us. Like a salesman, they keep us coming back with the lure, the promise and the hook.

They are master manipulators. They know how to make us feel guilty, so we will come back for absolution. They know how to make us feel sorry for them, so we will offer to help them. They know how to promise great things, so we will return in hopes that it will be different this time. They know how to make us doubt ourselves, so we will seek validation from them. Ultimately, they have trained us to return to them over and over again.

Emotional Memory & the Power of Our Thoughts

At one time, we thought there was a single memory system in the brain. Thanks to recent advances in science and technology, we now know that memories are formed in a variety of systems and can easily be divided into two major categories:

Conscious Memory (i.e. explicit factual memory systems)

and

Unconscious or Subconscious Memory (i.e. implicit emotional memory systems)

Understanding the Ego’s Role in the Life of the Narcissist

The following terms have been used interchangeably in our culture for years: real self, true self, inner child, higher self. These terms refer to the same core part in humans. It is who we are when we feel most authentic or genuine. Our true self is loving, giving, expressive, creative, and spontaneous. Overall, we feel whole and alive when we are in touch with our true self. This feeling of wholeness and happiness can only come to us when we are open, honest and real with ourselves. We refer to this as the “Real-Self.” Essentially, our Real-Self is who we are when we feel most in touch with ourselves.