Why Narcissists Seek Out Relationships

I am often asked why someone so self-absorbed and consumed with themselves would have any interest in pursuing a relationship with another person.

What you have to understand is that Narcissists are looking for meaning to fill up their emptiness. A Narcissist disconnects from him/herself as a child. As a result, they have no inner sense of self and need outside validation from others to remind themselves that they exist. They need someone to cater to their needs and fill the enormous void they feel inside.

Narcissists need people more than anyone. They have very specific reasons for being in relationships, but they are not built on the universal need we all have, which is to love. They do not enter or stay in relationships for love. Their motives are quite different. They become involved in relationships for three reasons. To ensure someone is always present to:

~Cater to their needs
~Stroke their ego
~and control and use at their disposal

Because they are so disconnected from themselves, Narcissists feel dead inside unless they receive outside validation from others. They must make sure someone is always present to provide them with the attention and adoration they need in order to feel alive.

It is important to understand that a Narcissist views you as nothing more than an extension of him/herself. Narcissists seek out relationships in order to ensure someone is present to cater to their needs, stroke their ego and make them look good. Men often select a trophy wife. Females are typically attracted to wealthy men who can support their obsession with image and status.

Narcissists feed off of the attention they get from people. Adoration from others is what fuels them. Attention is like a drug to them and they are addicted to it. This drug is what we call Narcissistic Supply (NS) and it is any form of attention a Narcissist receives from others.

According to Sam Vaknin (Author of "Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited") there are two types of Narcissistic Supply — Primary and Secondary. Primary Narcissistic Supply is the day-to-day changing attention one receives from various different people they encounter throughout their day. When one does not receive enough Primary NS from strangers or others to fulfill their desires, they turn to what is called Secondary NS.

Secondary Narcissistic Supply is strictly for backup purposes. Secondary NS is obtained from the Narcissist's significant other. The significant other is a constant presence in their life. Therefore, they are always available and accessible to them, should they encounter deficient Primary NS at some point during the day.

Narcissists need to ensure they have a constant and reliable source of NS at all times. The best way they have found of doing this is to have a significant other in their lives. They do not love this person, nor do they wish to be with this person most of the time. However, because it is impossible to control how much attention or Primary NS they will receive from the outside world on a daily basis, they must make certain they have a backup form of it that is always available to them.

It is for this reason a Narcissist seeks to find a significant other. They prefer Primary NS because it is ever-changing and dynamic, but when unavailable, they will resort to Secondary NS ... a.k.a. their significant other.

A Narcissist will simply discard you when they become convinced that you can no longer provide them with sufficient validation. Keep in mind, this evaluation of theirs is totally subjective and not grounded in reality at all. Suddenly, because of boredom, a disagreement, an act or a failure to act, they swing from total idealization to complete devaluation.

The Narcissist then disconnects from you immediately. They need to preserve all of their energy in order to obtain and secure new sources of supply and see no need to spend any of their precious time and energy on you, whom they now considers useless.

You must accept the fact that you were not an object of love to this person, but a pawn, a mere source of supply to feed their fragile ego; nothing more, but certainly nothing less. Because Narcissists are easily bored, they must change their source of supply every so often. Once you understand how they must constantly change their source of supply, you will realize their rejection of you has nothing to do with you. They will repeat this cycle in every relationship they enter. It is inevitable. Be grateful this toxic abusive person is out of your life and never let them back.