Understanding the Narcissist's Cycle of Idealizing You to Devaluing & Demeaning You

Being in love with a narcissist is a confusing state of affairs, to say the least. In the beginning, a narcissist makes you feel incredibly loved and valued. He appears to be head-over-heels in love with you and worships the ground you walk on. He writes you poetry, takes you out for romantic dinners, and finds all your little quirks endearing and adorable.

Once a narcissist feels he has obtained control of you (through marriage or moving in together), you will see a completely different side of him that you never knew existed. Unfortunately this is the REAL him. Narcissists have often been described as having a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. Once in control, a narcissist becomes demeaning and cruel.

Narcissists are not normal and completely oblivious to others and how their behavior affects people close to them. Unfortunately, this doesn't make their behavior any less hurtful. Narcissists dismiss the feelings, ideas, and opinions of others. They themselves are unable to 'feel.' They are condescending in their nature. They belittle, criticize, judge, and put others down. They can be blatant about it but are often quite subtle in their approach. They have a way of putting you down in such a way that you don't even realize you have been insulted until you reflect upon the conversation later.

While narcissists are oblivious to the fact that their behavior hurts others, it does not mean that at times, they are not deliberately abusive. They often enjoy hurting others and get off on it. A narcissist is purposefully abusive when the relationship with his significant other changes in a way that is not to his liking. An example of this would be when a significant other becomes too close or needs intimacy. Real intimacy terrifies a narcissist as they have no clue what it is, and he will respond by being purposefully abusive in order to push the person away.

Another example of when a narcissist would be intentionally abusive is when a significant other voices her displeasure or threatens to leave the relationship. By asserting abusive behavior, a narcissist believes he can maintain his dominance and control over his significant other. Control is the name of their game. They control everyone to protect their rock solid delusions.

A narcissist has a way of turning everything around so you begin to question yourself. He will do something terribly mean or cruel. You will talk to him about it, but by the end of the conversation, you are the one apologizing for some reason. A narcissist knows how to manipulate better than anyone. They trauma-bond you to them through mind control & coercion.

In my experience, a narcissist eventually becomes sarcastic and belittles you constantly. You begin to feel you can do nothing right in his eyes and your presence is hardly tolerable. You're baffled. You wonder what you did wrong to cause such a drastic change in his feelings toward you. You struggle desperately to return things to the way they were in the beginning. Unfortunately, as hard as you try, things will never be the same again. This is because everything he did in the beginning was a planned seductive lure done by profiling and mirroring you to secure your obedience, nothing more. It is a maddening and precarious way to live. It can and does drive anyone to the edge of their sanity.

When I did take any real steps at ending either relationship, if verbally abusive behavior did not work to force me into submission, the false self would be the next weapon of defense in their artillery. I think a narcissist believes if his false self worked once to win you over, it will work again to keep you around or win you back. This is also called HOOVERING and HONEYMOONING. Don't believe it.

At this point he will lay on the charm. A narcissist knows when to charm and is sure to remind you that he understands you like no one else can or ever will. He's been profiling you for a while and he know precisely what buttons to push to keep you in line. It is essential for a narcissist to make you believe only he can understand you. By constantly telling you that you have problems and quirks only he can understand, you start to believe him and begin to feel unlovable in some strange paranoid way.

By telling you he loves you despite your flaws, he makes you dependent on him. This is a narcissist's way to ensure you will never leave him. It is narcissistic manipulation at its finest, because the dependent one is truly them.

When a narcissist feels he is in control of you and is not threatened by any fear that you will ask for too much from him or leave the relationship, he will engage in escapist activity (cheating, disappearing, confusing statements) and appear as if he hardly notices you exist the majority of the time. You are merely present to dispense secondary Narcissistic Supply (i.e. attention) should his current primary NS fail to meet his needs for the day.

This is when we must remember we did nothing wrong. It is all about him, ladies. A narcissist will simply discard people when he becomes convinced that they can no longer provide him with sufficient Narcissistic Supply. Discard like a used tissue. You are not stupid, gullible, naive or clueless. You were targeted, lured and brainwashed by a master.

Keep in mind, this evaluation of his is totally subjective and not grounded in reality at all. These men are delusional and you mustn't forget that. Suddenly because of boredom, a disagreement, an act or a failure to act, the narcissist swings from total idealization to complete devaluation. It has zero to do with you or anything you did. Zero.

He then disconnects from you immediately. He needs to preserve all of his energy in order to obtain and secure new sources of Narcissistic Supply and sees no need to spend any of his precious time on you, whom he now considers useless. But please remember, he will repeat this same cycle with his new source of narcissistic supply. It is inevitable. Be grateful this toxic abusive man is out of your life and never let him back in. NEVER.


I know this post is old and don't know if I will get any comments but I just feel so lost right now. I've been involved with someone who I'm pretty sure is a narcissist for the last 7 years. The first 5 we were not in an actual relationship just some weird back and forth roller coaster type of thing. 2 years ago we began trying to have a real relationship and that's when I realized there was something deeply wrong. I always knew there was something but I didn't understand the extent of it until I tried to have a day to day relationship with him. We began to have huge blow up fights over what seemed like nothing to me. If I said I needed to get off the phone and go to bed after a 2-3 hour conversation that was lasting way past the time I normally went to bed and where it was just him talking about the same thing over and over again rehashing his day or whatever it happened to be that particular day I would be accused of not loving him and not trying to make things work and was I really going to bed or did I just want to talk to someone else. That I shouldn't need so much sleep. And please keep in mind that it was usually past 11pm and I get up for work at 5 am and work a physical job that is very draining on me. These fights would turn into me getting the silent treatment from him for days or weeks at a time. The more I tried to have a normal relationship the more dysfunctional it became. I started researching and read about narcissism and he fits it to a T. Everything about it. He has a very strained relationship with his mother and no longer will speak to her at all. He isn't close to anyone in his family besides his dad but what he calls a close relationship with him doesn't seem close to me at all. He has 3 children and only sees the oldest one a few times a year even though they live in the same city and he has custody of the other 2 and he acts like he is this great father taking care of his kids but half the time there isn't even food in the house for them to eat. Everything is about him. It's like no one else's needs matter at all. I tried to be understanding once I realized what was going on and work through the rough patches. I love him and I know it's the same story for everyone but I really felt like there was a connection there with him that was special and if we could just get it together we could have something great. So I kept trying and trying and overlooking things that I really shouldn't have but no matter what it doesn't help. There have been good times but also a lot of bad and now after how these last few months have went I'm afraid that the good that we had has been completely replaced by the bad. He no longer wants to spend anytime with me. He acts like he is obsessed with his friend from work. All he talks about is this friend and how he wants to go out and hang out with this friend and do guy things and even moved to be closer to him a month ago and moved further away from me. He says that he listens to him better than I do and is excited for him when he fixes his truck up or puts new rims on it and I don't say enough about what a good job he has done and that if I was more like his friend than we wouldn't have the problems that we do. I'm so confused. I finally had enough of all of this and confronted him and told him I feel like he prioritizes his friend over me and that it doesn't seem like he wants to be in a relationship. He gave me the silent treatment for 2 weeks. We finally spoke again last night I was trying to have a conversation with him about us and our relationship and if we had a future at all and he again only wanted to talk about his friend. He even said to me I just can't talk to u anymore u don't even want to know how my friends day went. He thinks I'm great and he tells me how good I am at my job and all u do is put me down. I don't put him down?? I don't get it. He's not gay so why is he behaving this way. Do narcissists idealize their friends like this? I feel like his friend who is male is the "other woman" it's so very strange. Have I been replaced by his friend?

As I have comment on this post before this was my exN in carbon copy.....and so much from what other members post is the same even down to comments their N have said to them, it's almost the same word for word...it's eerie. Have had NC for over three months now and it really does work, I'm just going in and out of it rather then sitting on the sofa like a blubbering mess in-front of the PC all the time. Have read and read and read about this stuff and have started to spoiled myself with small pleasures(bubble bath, chocs, funny films,long walks, swimming, yoga, home beauty treatments). To be honest this site has helped me with a whole lot more then helping to deal with the how the exN made me feel, I have also dropped out from people that I felt weren't nice to be round or have using tendencies or at least keep them at arms length. Now I am grateful he has gone and know there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if on and off I feel like hell and start to miss him. I just keep reminding myself what he really is and if I'm honest he didn't treat the couple of friends he had very well at all so that should have set off alarm bells but he always had an excuse. I was reading Sam Vaknin and come across this site by chance. People don't really understand about N's unless they have experienced it and I can come on this site and read and comment to my hearts content and not even have to mention it when I get together with friends, which is part of my NC not talking about the N. Thank the Lord for this site it really has helped me understand and deal with so much in the aftermath of the N. Please persevere with NC if you possible can because it really does work.

OMG!! that is my ex to a tee...thank you so much for this site it is helping me so much. I have been reading everyday and so much is carbon copy of my ex's behaviour.